A New Beginning

So I'm sitting in the most adorable coffeehouse this morning, feeling extremely at peace in the Lord's presence. I haven't posted in a while and looking back at old posts I felt like starting a new blog because I want to change the direction it was heading in and because I haven't written in so long but that would be silly. Yes it has been a while and I feel much differently than I did at those times but instead of starting new I'm starting fresh on this blog.

This life is full of beginnings and ends. Praise God for that. Sure all good things must come to an end, but thankfully the inverse is true too: all trials come to an end. Today I am really appreciating the fact that God grants us unlimited fresh starts. Take the example of the concept of a day. Every evening the sun goes away and the moon comes up. Every morning the moon disappears and the sun reappears. It's not always sunny and it's not always dark. It's a big obvious metaphor for the way God created life on this Earth. And the cool part is it also stands for God's renewal. He forgives us. He gives us the chance to start anew when we make a wrong turn. Nothing we see or feel here in this life is permanent. Which seems scary but it is also one of the most beautiful things.

God made Himself the only thing permanent. Why? So that we seek true life, true joy, refuge, and find strength SOLELY in Him. He is creator. He is above all else. This post is full of obvious things we have been blessed to know for years but it is something that all to often gets taken for granted.

Thank You for fresh starts Lord. Thank You for never keeping us in one place forever. Thank You for change, even the changes that scare us or make us temporarily unhappy. You know what is best for us and we praise You for that. Someone's gotta know what's going on around here :)

As this roller coaster of a summer comes to a close and You bring us into another year, I praise You. I am so excited for this next year and to see what You have in store for my small group and I! Praise the Lord <3 

nothing...

"Nothing is wasted when you walk close to Me."

Sometimes we feel like we have wasted our time or our money or our efforts when we don't achieve the goal we had in mind. God assures us that if we do everything in His name and for His glory, nothing is ever wasted. We need to stop living by society's standard of "success" and focus on how God views us and our work. Even out of our biggest failures can come the greatest blessings. Don't be discouraged :) 

You are always enough for God.

called to suffer.

A senior that I look up to in the dance program taught me a very important lesson last night. We were discussing how there are people around us who seem to get everything they want and they never seem to struggle. Whether it is true or not we need to remember that we have accepted our role as children of God. We have accepted the title of Christian. And with that title comes suffering. Being a Christian does not mean life is always rainbows and sunshine. We are tested because we are being made strong. We suffer "unfairly" because Jesus suffered the greatest injustice of all and our treasure is in heaven, not here on earth. Life here is not nearly as good as it gets. Our hope is in our future. The joy we will have is far greater than the joy small earthly things bring :)

With that said, we are also called to praise God when we are suffering. When you pray, don't ask for things, praise Him for the work He has done, the work is currently doing, and for the blessings that are to come. To do that is to pray with confidence! It's like thanking Him for what we know He will do even though we don't know exactly what that is at the time. 

We are to praise God for everything that is from Him no matter how it looks to us at the time. Our perspective is so limited and we fail to remember sometimes that God makes ALL THINGS work together for our good. I believe that with all of my heart no matter how many times I may doubt it during trials. It always proves true. 

And I’ll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands; for You are who You are, no matter where I am.

And every tear I’ve cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn,

I will praise You in this storm

Casting Crowns - Praise You in This Storm

listening AND doing.

This semester I have been praying often that my desires match God's desires for me. Unfortunately a lot of times I end up praying for one thing and then not living in a way that would invite that change into my life. Praying for one thing and doing another is completely counter-productive to making progress toward a God-centered life. God's main desire is for us to walk with Him. He wants to be involved in EVERY aspect of our lives! 

We keep God so small. I find that sometimes when I pray I try to keep my intentions minimal, but that's underestimating God's power! That is a way of indirectly denying the magnitude of God. Nothing is too great a task for the Lord. The answer may not always immediately be yes, in fact the answer might not ever be yes. And that is why when we pray we should pray for God's will and pray with the awareness that God always answers prayers but not necessarily in the way we think it should be answered. Please don't ever forget that God's plans are far greater than the ones we think of. Our plans seem so appealing and ideal at the time, but only God knows what is best for us.

breathe.

I love when I am overcome with the desire to spend time with You. It's late and once again I failed to make enough time for us today. But I don't want to fall asleep without spending time with You. I miss You Lord and I love You so much. It makes both of us sad when I let my thoughts focus on them so why do I do it? I have so much to learn Lord. I want to walk with You. And what is this jealousy thing that has come up? My best friend is changing lives and instead of me being genuinely happy for her I wish it was me helping other people. You've sent me people to help so why aren't I helping them? I am so selfish Lord. Sorry this post is so scattered but I guess they all are. Okay enough ranting, You know what is in my heart.

Lord what I need is Your grace. Breathe in the Spirit You have sent me, breathe out all the bitter, all the pain, all the pride, all the shame, all the jealousy. Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me.

Praise You Lord! You make beautiful things. Make me new, I am Yours. I surrender. You are everything.

Amen <3 

who knew.

Fact: I fail at this blog. Good thing no one knows about it, right? haha. Anyways...I guess I got ahead of myself. I guess I let him be my happiness instead of You...again. Why do I always mess it up? What do I do Lord? Yes this is a desperate cry. Yes I spend time trying to make each post look like it has a solution, a hope, ending with a sweet picture and a verse. But this one is raw. I'm tired Lord. I need You to save me. Every time I get closer to You I fall. It is so much easier to fall than to get to where I was, where I want to be. Pull me out Lord. This mind is troubled and kinda going crazy. I don't even know what to pray Lord. I feel lost again. I don't want to go back to where I was but I can feel myself slipping. I know I messed up but I thought it was fixable. I prayed for your will then went against it. But can't I get a second chance? Is that even what I wan? Reveal to me what I really want, what will actually make me whole. Your love. Your grace. They're all I need. Overwhelm me with them. I hate feeling this way. I want to let You be enough for me. Don't give up on me. Please rescue me.

valentines day.

I know I haven't written in forever and it is impossible to put into one post the transformation and healing that has occurred in my heart this semester but I will be slowly adding parts of it to this blog as time permits. It's funny because I'm not talking to anyone except You haha and You already know everything that's been going on but I really want to write it all down because You are just too wonderful! :)

So this is super cheesy but this Valentine's Day I asked Jesus to be my valentine. Never before in my life have I desired so greatly to know him and be in love with him. When your primary focus is fully and truly to walk with God, life is fulfilling. There is meaning, there is purpose, there is hope. And it took a longggg time to get here and I'm nowhere near where I need to be but this is progress and I'm so excited to see what happens next.

This is what Valentines Day with Jesus looks like: all classes cancelled except dance/my favorite one, a carnation from the priest, a carnation from a friend, lunch with the cutest boy in the dorm, a text from Dad, a package from Mom, a valentine from a girl down the hall, a text reminding me "The Kind is enthralled with your beauty," a crayon heart, a FROG group interview, and a beautiful day. Not to mention an hour of fulfilling adoration and a wonderful daily mass service.

Thank You Jesus. You are by far the best valentine I have ever had and ever will have!

rest.

Lord, I am exhausted physically and emotionally. Be my rest, be my refuge. I will only find true rest in You. Let me rest in Your spirit tonight. Renew me Lord. Rid me of my selfish ambitions and rid me of feelings of self-pity, for they are displeasing to You as well as to myself.

The interruptions I received while writing this post last night are a example of how You are testing my ability to deal with unpredictable occurrences. I hope I responded in a manner pleasing to You by attempting to help my friends in need, however it made me sad that my time with You was interrupted.

I have no idea what You have in store for me today but it does not matter. I trust You Lord and I offer You all of today's joys and sufferings and I hope You will hold my hand as I attempt to do Your will today. I love You so much.

Today is the Sabbath day and I am going to spend time with You and hopefully learn how to relax haha.
You are awesome, it is so cool that You want us to take a day off. You want us to lay down and rest.

When you lie down, you will not be afraid.

When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Proverbs 3: 24

testing.

I know You've been testing me ever since I came to JMU, but I think I'm a little more aware of the purpose of these tests this semester.

You reveal Your glory to me and I am filled with Your spirit. You assure me that Your love is all I need and that no one can take Your place. Just as I am feeling alive and well again You draw back a little bit. You let the darkness creep back into my life just a little bit to see how I will react.

Of course I don't understand it fully but I believe that You use people and events in our lives to bring us closer to You. Without trials, we keep You small in our lives because we are comfortable and seem to be satisfied.

Lord please continue to heal my heart and have patience with me as I struggle with the idea of these tests. My new goal is to stop asking for so much but instead listen, and give praise for Your plan that is on the way.

I love You so much Lord! One day I will pass all these tests and nothing will stand between us.
<3

starting fresh.

Lord, thank You for Your constant care. You have never once left me, despite all the numerous times I have failed to truly trust You. For the hundredth time I realize I need to let You heal the hurts in my heart and in my relationships on YOUR time, not mine. I'm sorry I try to control my life so much. It isn't actually mine and I'm sorry I act so selfishly sometimes.

It can certainly be lonely here sometimes, so thank You for literally always being here for me. And thank You SOOOO MUCHH for Sarah and Becca and the time we spent together tonight. I needed that more than anything to remind me why I'm happy here. I seriously feel Your presence more strongly when I'm around them and I could never thank You enough for putting me in that small group.

As You can see my concentration has been completely broken. I'm not trying to blame my roommate or anything but...yeah. I was so excited to get to write to You and now it just feels weird. Thank You for speaking to me through that book. I needed to hear that so badly. My hope is in You Lord, and with You there is no room for depression or self-pity. Please continue to work in my heart as well as his. I do not even know how he is with You anymore and it makes me sad to see the lack of progress but all I can do it pray for him and know that You will never give up on him. I love You Lord and I always will. I want to love You better, please come nearer to me this semester. Help me to keep my eyes and my heart fixed on You, for only You know what I truly need. Amen <3 

new year, clear mind :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR :)

Praise the Lord for such a wonderful break! You make me so happy, Lord. Please continue to be my light and my refuge. You lift me up when I fall, for Your strength is made perfect in weakness. I'm on fire for this new year and all the upcoming chances to bring You glory! I cannot thank You enough for the work You've been doing in my heart. Please continue to do so, for I want to be closer to You every day. This post offers nothing but praise. God, You are so good. Thank You for having unlimited amounts of patience with every single one of us. Your love is astounding.